I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
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