a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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