Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
