gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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