I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
