haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
