I wanna bring you to show and tell
hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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