i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Sober January is a disaster.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
