then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
