I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
