i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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