What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Randomize
