it was nice. we just kind of hung out. she didnt even mention the farting incident.
Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Randomize
