There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
