I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
