Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Randomize
