the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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