If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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