Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
The air was thick with penises
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Randomize
