Pregnant stripper...not hot.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
