Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
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