My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Randomize
