I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Randomize