last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
