Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
