Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
