Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
