I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Randomize
