I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
