____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
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