You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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