3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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