eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
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