k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
