my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
