After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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