At what point did we cease to have vaginas?
Sometime in the sweat pants phase freshman year.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
