Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
