just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
