just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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