i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
