your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
