Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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