dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
