Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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