i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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