So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
