The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
