Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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