seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
