Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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