WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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