I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
