Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
