U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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