she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
