Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
