dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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