so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize