i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
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