Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
