U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
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