Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
