oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
